My Weight Loss Journey - From the Beginning

40 pounds...finally!

2010-03-29T18:52:00.001-07:00

It's been a slow month for weight loss. I actually have not gotten to the gym at all. Part of it is because we are so busy, but I know part of it is psychological, too.

I'm only one pound heavier than I was when Benny died. Like I said, it's a psychological, very personal thing for me, but it's very real. I have so few "real" connections left to him, and while it may sound funny to many or even strange or dumb, it's not that way for me. I miss him, and subconsciously, I think I'm trying NOT to lose weight. I've done this before...gotten close and then gained it all back. The good thing with the lapband is that I can't even if I try!! If I try to eat too fast or too much, my stomach says, "Hey, stupid...did you forget you can't do that anymore?"

I did have an appointment last week. I lost 12 pounds since last month's appointment, so even though I didn't work out, I'm still losing. I'm probably only eating around 1,000 calories a day, but am what they call in "the green zone", meaning there's just the right amount of fluid in my band so that after I eat, I'm not hungry (physically, still have "head" hunger). I only have 1 cc in my 10 cc band, which is very small, but it's different for everyone.

Overall, I feel really pretty good. My knees and hips barely ever hurt. I seem to have a little more energy. My back feels pretty good.

I'm almost half way to my goal. I wanted to lose about 90 lbs, and I'm 40.5 lbs closer! I never thought I could do this, but it's happening! Still, I have 50 lbs to go, so I need to get back to that gym!!

Photo update

2010-03-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

OK, these are not the best photos, but thought I'd update my blog. I've lost about 33 lbs so far. I've struggled the past week or so with getting and keeping food down, but it seems a little better the past few days.

Update following unfill

2010-02-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well, eating still seems to be a little challenge. It's getting a tad bit frustrating not to eat a "normal" food. Last night I came home and John had made some barbequed beef that smelled so good. I picked out the smaller pieces and lots of BBQ sauce and poured it over a slice of bread. I do not get much fiber in, so thought it was time to try a good slice of 12 grain bread.

Well, about three bites into it and it got stuck. I had to get to the bathroom and get sick. I was so hungry and was sick of cottage cheese, one food that goes down well. I just started crying, as this process just takes a lot out of you. You have to pay incredibly close attention to every detail of food, and it gets very tiring when the food gets stuck and you have to get it out. I ended up having about 1/2 cup of refried beans, enchilada sauce and a little cheese. While high in protein, it's also high in carbs, which I'm trying to keep down. What mattered though was that I was able to get and keep some food in!

The one thing that has been going well is exercising. I'm generally getting about 45-60 minutes of cardio activity in about five days per week. Today I burned 600 caolories during my one hour workout, which was good, because I also ordered a thin crust pizza and ate about 1/2 of it! For some reason, the thin crust pizza goes down well, too. Not a good choice, but I did burn it all off and then some!

I can feel the difference in my clothes now. I do get into size 1x tops and the 2x are baggy, so that's good. Still not ready to try to get into the next size down in pants until the current size is baggy. I just don't want to struggle to get in them, have to "peel" them off and then be bummed because I'm not there, yet.

We are planning a cruise for June, so there's one motivating factor for me to keep it up. I'd also like to get tested to be a kidney donor for my niece, Erica, but need to have a BMI less than 30. I started with about a 42 BMI and that is down to 37, so I'm on my way.

Well, that's all for now. Katie has strep and I'm feeling that horrible ache in my neck and head, which is my sign that it may be coming my way. Just what I need...another thing to inhibit any food from getting down to my stomach!! :)

Quick update

2010-02-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday, I was on my way home from work and started having massive chest pains. I drove myself to the ER, afraid I was having a heart attack. After several hours of testing, everything came back negative. While they wanted to keep me overnight for testing, I chose to go home, John and I were heading to San Francisco in the morning.

We went to San Francisco, and while the chest pain was pretty much non-existent, the vomiting and instances of the food getting stuck increased quite a bit. Poor John even stood by me outside the Holiday Inn where I got sick in their bushes after eating breakfast!

Well, I had a checkup today, and they made an adjustment and removed half of the fluid in my band. They said the chest pain and vomiting are classic signs of a band that is too tight as is weight gain. I'm up a few pounds while eating less than 1,000 calories/day AND working out 1-1/2hours/day. So, I now only have 1cc in a 10cc band. She said this should actually help me lose weight a little easier, too. According to their records, I'm down 6.5 lbs this past month. I was actually down more, but with the vomiting and issues of the past week, put on a little due to the bodies method of trying to prevent starvation!

I'm back on track and got in a good workout tonight, so hopefully food will stay down a little bit better this coming week, too. I was back on liquids today and then to soft foods tomorrow. This is common after having an adjustment, because it allows the swelling to go down.

That's all for now!

30 POUNDS DOWN!

2010-02-13T06:14:00.001-08:00

I finally hit the 30 pound loss point. It will flutter up and down a little before I move forward, but I DID see it on the scale this morning.

I've been working out 4-5 days a week and increasing the intensity. I do the elliptical, treadmill and tour bike. I have not started lifting weights, yet, but know I need to.

The biggest change the past week or two is the number of times food has gotten stuck, and I've had to go get sick to get it out. It's happened a few times at the restaurant with John. The biggest issue is not chewing my food well enough. I've noticed it also only happens when I skip a meal or a snack and get overly hungry. I just eat too fast and then it gets stuck. I go to the bathroom, throw it up, and continue to try to eat at a much slower pace. It hurts when the food gets stuck, so there's definitely incentive to eat slowly!

Believe it or not, I'm still in the same size of clothes as when I started. There are some that are too big to wear, and I still have some I can't get into! I won't even try the next size down until I can wear all of this size first!

Not much new

2010-02-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a week of transitions. The adjustment (tightening of the band) seems to have a mind of it's own. One day, I can eat nearly a whole small, thin crust pizza, and the next day, I take one bite of chicken, and I'm full or worse, throw up. I've had foods get "stuck" quite a bit this past week. I've even had to pull over in the car when I took a bite of a taco, and it got stuck, so I could throw up and get it unstuck.

I'm working out 4-5 days per week and am really starting to look forward to my hour alone. It's the only "my" time I get these days. I put on my headphones and blast the music. My only problem is trying to squeeze in the workout when John's out of town.

FINALLY! 25lbs gone for good!

2010-01-26T02:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, the last five pounds have taken over a month to get rid of. Anyone who says the lapband is the "easy" way out is SOOOOOO incredibly wrong. In some ways, it's harder than normal dieting.

When they say the lapband is a "tool", it is just that. It's not different than someone taking diet pills or doing some other diet. The key remains EXERCISE and EATING HEALTHY. That's it, pure and simple!

I started a new program that came free with the lapband surgery called Lindora LTC. It's an online program based on a very successful medical idea. It's a high protein, low carb diet, but it also offers live phone support, extensive education, daily motivators, online charts and action guides and so much more. The key to the program is to get your body into a state of ketosis, which basically means you reduce the carbs, which are your body's main source of energy, to a level such that the body runs out of carbs and starts burning the fat in your cells for energy.

I started the program this weekend. Surprisingly, the program starts on only 900 calories/day, but I have more energy and feel much less hungry than I have since the surgery. We'll see how it goes, but so far, I'm impressed. I have my first phone consultation with a Lindora TLC nurse today.

Yeah! I reached my first goal, which was to lose 25 lbs!

First adjustment and update

2010-01-23T14:23:00.001-08:00

I had my first adjustment on the 18th. I had 2cc put in my 10cc band. They tried
3cc, but I had trouble swallowing water, so they pulled one back out.

Despite having the fill and keeping my calories under 1400/day, I've only lost 3 pounds in January. It's kind of a bummer, but I started working out a week or so ago, so I hope that old metabolism starts to kick in. I've lost 24lbs total.

One month since surgery

2010-01-09T05:05:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be one month since surgery. I have lost a total of 10 lbs this past month. It's been a lot of work and has taken a good amount of will power, as I don't have much restriction, yet. I will have my first fill in eight days, so that will help.

I'm having a horrible time getting motivated to go work out. It has been SO cold! This morning, it is 18 degrees below zero. That makes me not want to leave the house all weekend! However, I did see the nutritionist this week, and she got me to commit to starting slowly and just doing 30 minutes three days/week...starting... today. So we'll see if it happens.

The nutritionist was happy with how I've done, other than the exercise. She said without much restriction (fluid in the band), it is good if I even just maintain the original 13 pounds lost during the liquid diet. I've lost 10 pounds more than that, so she felt I was doing a good job.

Overall, I'm eating about 1400 calories/day, really focusing on getting 60-80 grams of protein. It's going pretty well. I have had one or two Diet Cokes, but don't really crave it. They fill me up and make me burp on just a few ounces, so I have no problem giving that up.

That's all for now!

First Restaurant Outing

2010-01-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

John and I took the little kids to PF Changgs for New Year's Day. It was my first real "outing" since before December. I looked up all the menu items and had my meal planned before I went. It is AMAZING how many calories are in meals that sound like they'd be healthy. I ended up having the Cantonese Shrimp and some wonderful Shanghai cucumbers. It was a great meal and was only 500 calories. I would have easily eaten 1500 calories based on what I normally order there.

I also thought I'd like one drink for New Year's, but that didn't last long when I looked up calories in alcohol. UFFDA! One Long Island Tea has almost 800 calories! That was a no-brainer. I "splurged" with a Diet Coke, my first since November. One won't hurt you, but I won't be having carbonated beverages on a regular basis, as they can enlarge the pouch.

I also did well when John decided to go get Jimmy John's yesterday. I ordered my normal sub, but did not eat the bread. That reduced the calories from around 800 to just under 500.

I'm not losing weight as fast as I'd like to, but I don't think I have much restriction right now, so I'm doing it all on sheer will power. I also haven't gone to the gym, yet, but hope to get the urge in the next few weeks. It's just SO cold outside right now! I may just do my Wii Fit programs for the winter. We'll see.

So, anyway. I'm down 21 pounds since starting the liquid diet on 12/1/09, just 33 days ago. I have my first appointment with the dietitian this week, and then I go in for my first fill on 1/18/10. I'm looking forward to starting to get some benefit from the band. It should help me be less hungry between meals and make it not so hard to "diet".

Three week update

2009-12-29T17:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been nearly three weeks since surgery...seems a lot longer since then. I'm feeling really well, other than being hungry in between meals! I think the swelling is gone and now I'm just left with an unfilled band, so there's really not a lot of restriction.

I really noticed the hunger yesterday and today. Yesterday, I ate about 1500 calories and today about 1600. The first week it was around 600. Then last week, over the holidays, who knows how many calories! It was Christmas and we were away from home for five days, stuck in South Dakota in a major winter snowstorm. I ate a little of everything, good and bad foods, but generally stopped when I felt full.

So far, since 11/17, I'm down 19 pounds. Thirteen of that came off before surgery on the liquid diet, so only six pounds since surgery (plus the seven in water weight I gained the day of and the day after surgery due to swelling!).

Right now, I can eat almost anything I want as far as foods and textures. I'm technically supposed to be on mushy foods until 1/5/10, but the nurse told me at my checkup to go with what felt right. So far, the only thing I really had trouble with was some salmon my husband cooked tonight. It seemed to lodge right above my stomach. It was kind of dry, but I supposed I needed to chew it a little finer before swallowing, too. I just could not get it chewed very fine.

I'm also really craving sweets! I've done much better since surgery about moderating those bad things thought. In the past, I'd get a candy bar from the vending machine. Today, I was aware of that and had two Hershey's kisses, instead. I still wanted more, but was able to say NO to myself!

Even so, it makes me look forward to the first fill, even though it was VERY painful when they took some fill out the day after surgery. The fill is supposed to help me feel full sooner, and make me not hungry between meals, so I am anxious for that.

Yesterday was the first time I'd put "normal" jeans on, meaning non-elastic waist jeans, since surgery. I was pleasantly surprised to really notice a difference in how they fit since the last time I had them on! They were quite a bit loose in the seat and the thighs, so that was nice! They were actually comfortable all day, and even baggier by the end of the day. Yeah! I won't venture into the box of clothes the next size down until these nearly fall off though. I don't want to be disappointed!

8 days post op

2009-12-18T17:11:00.001-08:00

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It ended up just being with a nurse, but it was okay. She said the rash was likely due to the stuff they clean my belly with prior to surgery. She's never had a person allergic to the actual band itself, so that was good news!

I'm off the pain meds and now only taking liquid Tylenol on occasion. I was hoping for some more of those good narcotics, but like the saying goes, "all good things must come to an end!" ;)

I'm also now on "full liquids", which means I can now have skim milk, Cream of Wheat, sugar free pudding, yogurts, and creamy soups (strained of all chunks). That is for three days, then Sunday I can start the pureed foods. I'm kind of doing a combination of full liquids and purees right now, as they are similar.

I made some awesome homemade tomato soup last night and froze individual 3 oz servings of it. It was made from tomato soup (chunky kind, not Campbell's), 1/2 cup cottage cheese and a little salt and pepper. You blend that all together and it is amazing how good it is! Three ounces (less than 1/2 cup) stuffs me for several hours...several miserable hours! Again, it's the horrible "my-belly-feels-like-it-is-going-to-explode" feeling.

I'm surprised at the restriction I have right now, which in the lap band world is the term used to describe how tight the band is. The tighter it is, the more restriction you have. The problem is, I basically have no fluid in my band since they took most of it out the morning after surgery when I was feeling so miserable, not being able to drink any fluids. So, other than the remaining swelling, I shouldn't be having so much restriction. Not that I'm complaining about being restricted! It's just that I'm only getting in 500-600 calories a day right now, but feel like I'm eating about 3,000 calories! I'm also not able to get down the full 60+ ounces of fluids, yet.

I think for tomorrow, I will go back to just straight liquids and see if that helps at all. My next nutrition appointment is 1/7/10 and then I meet for an adjustment (fill of the band, if needed) on 1/18/10. So, for now, it's just about continuing to let the stomach heal and slowly moving from liquid to pureed and then soft foods (happens on Wednesday and lasts 2 weeks).

I'm supposed to go back to work on Monday, so we will see how that goes. I can't imagine getting into any pants other than sweats right now. The incisions are all at the waist line, right where my pants would rub, so that just doesn't sound like much fun to me right now!

Day 6 - doing better

2009-12-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm feeling a little better today. NO MORE CHEATING! It only took one day of feeling absolutely miserable to know I'm not ready to eat any solid foods! Listen to the doctor, Melissa!

Here's a picture of Katie holding some really pretty flowers I received from my parents the other day. They are very festive and were a real surprise! Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Here's picture of the surgery site from a few days ago. Today it's covered by a beautiful bumpy red rash. Overall, I think it looks pretty good.

It's hard to see on this and wasn't as prominent, but in the upper right (if looking at the picture), it's more swollen. Today it's more like a little baseball under my skin. I'm not sure if that's where the hernia repair was done or not. I'll know more after tomorrow's doctor's visit.

Day 5 post op

2009-12-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

Well, today I was just miserable. I caved and had one scrambled egg this morning. I made it really, really runny and the egg just mushed in my mouth, but I think it might have been too much for my pouch. I also had two thin slices of an avocado... very big craving. Again, this was mushed to applesauce consistency, but I've been paying for it all day. I've jsut felt bloated and miserable. It's been hard to even get liquids down, so I'm probably a little dehydrated, too.

The good news is I haven't thrown up, which is the main sign of a blockage or over-eating. I've also spent a few hours on the internet talking with others that have had the lap band, and many think the bloating, icky feeling may be more related to the hernia surgery than the band. Either way, I feel like I just ate a double Thanksgiving dinner and just can't get comfortable!

I have a follow-up appointment on Thursday afternoon, so I will be sure not to eat anything solid before then. I have browsed through some recipes. While they may not sound good to those on normal diets, to the lap band patient who has been on a clear liquid diet, they really are delicious!

First, I took a can of chicken and chicken broth and blended them in a blender (I know, sounds so nasty) and then added in some barbeque sauce. I split them up into little 3oz containers, which is what a full meal will be for a while (size-wise). I also boiled a bunch of veggies in chicken broth and added canned chicken spread. I beat all of this in a blender, too, so it will be part of my "full liquid" (vs. clear liquid) diet for the next week.

My weight actually went up after surgery by about 5 pounds. Today is the first day since surgery that I'm back down to that weight, so I'll hopefully start shedding some pounds soon. It's more important to let everything heal right this first month than it is to lose weight, so that's fine by me.

I also have a new rash all over my stomach. I'm hoping it's not an allergy to the band itself! I'm not sure what it is, but will have it checked when I go into the doctor on Thursday.

Oh, yeah...no pain meds today!

4 days post surgery

2009-12-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

It's been four days since surgery. I'm doing ok. I still have a lot of pain and some swelling in one particular spot. Looks like I have a baseball in there!

I'm still on clear liquids, although I've snuck a few things. I had some strained cream of mushroom soup...only a few teaspoons, but I need something in my stomache to take the pain meds, or it makes me nauseous. John made some scrambled eggs, and I chewed a few little pieces to mush and then swallowed them. I've also been dipping my finger in his onion soup chip dip. I just suck on it and then spit out the chunks. So far, I don't think that's hurt anything, but it has helped curb my cravings.

I'm not really hungry. I'm trying to make sure I get in enough fluids, about 64 oz. per day. It's not too hard.

I did wrap some Christmas presents this morning, but got pretty tired out. I want to go to Target, but don't feel like driving is a good thing just yet. Maybe John will take me later today. For now, though, a nap is in order!

3 days post op

2009-12-13T03:48:00.001-08:00

I feel pretty crappy. I've got a lot of pain in my abdomen. I have pain meds, but they taste pretty nasty, and without food in my stomache, kind of make me feel icky.

I did go to a funeral yesterday and made it through, but was very sore and wiped out when I got back. I just lay in bed most of the time, although I watched a movie downstairs on the couch with my family last night.

I can lay on my back or tipped a little to my right. Laying to my left hurts somethign inside of me. I'm a tummy sleeper, so I expect it will be a while until I can do that again.

My food still consists of broth, juices, sugar free popsicles and nasty jello. I've tried several kinds, but it's just gross. Everything tastes so sweet right now, even the SF popsicles.

I had hoped to be up and a little more mobile by now, but I guess patience is a virtue.

On the "Loser's Bench"!

2009-12-11T23:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it through surgery. I am now on the "loser's bench" as it is referred to in the weight loss surgery world.

Surgery went pretty well. They found a surprise hiatal hernia, where a small part of the stomach and gone through the diaphragm and up into the chest cavity, and fixed that up. They said that's what has been causing my ongoing heartburn.

To perform the surgery, they first pump your stomach full of CO2 gas, like a balloon. This gives them room to work around in that area. One downfall of that, however, is it takes time for your body to get rid of that gas (what they don't get squeezed out of you), and that can cause some pain.

With the fix of the hernia, there was addiitonal escape of the CO2 into my chest cavity, which caused some MAJOR shoulder and chest pain while in recovery. They did an xray as they were worried about a pneumothorax, which is when air gets into the lining of the lungs and can cause it to collapse. Thankfully, that was not the case. They gave me good pain meds, and it started to go away.

Because my surgery was not until late in the day, they kept me over night. In the morning, I had the contrast x-ray to ensure the band was in the right place. After I drank the contrast, I felt just horrible. I felt like I had a rock sitting inside my stomach, and it wouldn't go away.

That's when I learned that they "prep" the band, meaning there was already fluid in it causing restriction. Because of the swelling, too, it appeared there was no where for the contrast or any liquids I was drinking to get through to the stomach. They decided to do my first "unfill" and took 1.5cc of saline out. She said there was probably only about 1cc left. I have a 10cc band. Once she did that, I felt SO much better. The "rock" went away and I could drink sips of water and not feel so fat!

I am actually UP five pounds since surgery, all due to water retention. I haven't had a bite to eat, so I'm not too worried about the gain.

I'm getting more sore as the day goes on. I think they may have had some numbing stuff in my stomach that is wearing off. I have to take liquid percocet...my, my that is some NASTY stuff. I have another medication I take that is in a capsule, but have to open it and mix it with a little water and swallow. UFFDA! Damn near makes me puke!

My diet for the next week is clear liquids. That consists of broths, Propel and Crystal Light waters, jello (nasty) and popsicles. The good part is I am not exactly hungry, so hopefully this will be a little easier than the pre-op liquid diet.

Thanks everyone for your support getting to this point. I really appreciate it!

4 1/2 hours to surgery!

2009-12-10T08:10:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better today, but am very nervous. I sit and wonder if I am doing the right thing or not. Is this the "easy" way out? Well, so far, I'd defintitely say NOT! Man, this 10 day diet royally sucked! I am down 12.5 pounds though, so hopefully, that will make the surgery go quicker and more easily.

A few nights ago, a very close family friend of ours died suddenly. He was only in his late 40s. While he had health problems, it was still a shock to everyone. I talked to Nicole last night, my 18 year old daughter who is away at college, and she was nervous about me going into surgery. Connor, my 14 year-old, is also concerned.

The thoughts that run through a person's mind at this point are crazy, but valid to some extent. There are always risks in any surgery.

So...in case something should happen to me, I just want everyone to know how much I love them. I've only given this website to a small handful of family and friends, so I'm not scared to say that! It's not like I'm telling this to strangers!

Anyway, I have the best family and best set of friends and just want you all to know how very special you are to me. To my kiddos...all my love forever! "Olive juice!"

I made it!

2009-12-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

Man, the last 10 days have been miserably challenging from a mental perspective. Overall, I'd give myself a 9.5 out of 10, which is pretty generous for me. Today, however, I'm wondering if I have a touch of the stomach flu that has run rampant through my family. I'm not sure what impact this will have on me getting surgery or not, but hopefully, I will feel better in the morning.

Today was clear liquids only, so I couldn't even have the carnation drinks. The saving grace there was that my stomach hurt so bad, I didn't want anything. I've had two bottles of Sprite Zero and a cup of broth, and that's it. I'm not supposed to have the carbonation, but I had to pick between that and feeling like crap. I don't think it will affect anything. I also "ate" two Tums. Felt weird to chew!

Tonight I stocked up on sugar-free popsicles, more broth and some apple juice, which will be my new diet for the first seven days after surgery, which is done to allow the stomach to heal and the swelling to go down before starting other soft foods.

Will post when I get home from the hospital on Friday.

Never ending pre-op liquid diet

2009-12-08T17:41:00.000-08:00

I've lost track of the day, but I think it's the 8th day on the preop diet. I've actually done really well, all things considered. I've only given in once, on Sunday, and had a slice of turkey sandwich meat and 1/2 banana. I've also had some soup liquified and strained, but overall I've done pretty good.

I'm down 9 pounds since the diet started. Tomorrow I switch to clear liquids only in preparation for surgery. I'm on the downside now, so we are almost there!

Have some 2nd guessing, but I think it's mostly nerves. Even so, it's going to be a huge change in my eating habits. I hope I'm up to it.

Day 5 - pre-op liquid diet, part 2

2009-12-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

Today, I went with my 6 year-old daughter to my son's wrestling tournament. It has been the most difficult, challenging day so far, and it's not over. At the wrestling tournament, the smell of hotdogs and popcorn from the concession stand nearly took over my mind. Of course, I had to feed my daughter, so we went to the concessions around noon. They had all the fresh baked bars cut up and for sale, and of course, my absolute favorite Special K bars with chocolate on top. I damn near gave in, but did not.

Then, later, we went back, again. This time Katie got a hotdog. Holy crap, man. I felt like I was on Survivor and lost the food challenge as I sat and watched her slowly (and I mean very slowly) eat that hot dog. I had to get up and go look at all the school trophies in the trophy cases, otherwise, I was going to swipe that food right out of her hands.

On the way back to the gym, as I was considering how I could eat and no one would really ever have to know, I saw this poster on the wall that read, "Character - it's doing the right thing when no one is looking." Unbelievable. Seriously!

Well, I have made it until now with so many tempatations, but haven't given in. I'm on the downswing tomorrow, so hopefully that thought will help my will power hold out a few more days.

By the way, my son won his weight class at the wrestling invitation!!! He pinned all three of his opponents. Good job, Connor!!

Day 5 - Pre-op liquid diet

2009-12-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

OK, day four wasn't so bad, although you could not probably tell by my last post! I'm a little nervous about the weekend and being home around food, but now that I saw on my ticker that surgery is only FIVE DAYS AWAY...it should be a little easier to focus. It's hard to believe.

I'm down 7.5 pounds, since I met with the surgeon, and he said he'd like me down 8-10pounds by surgery, so I am right on track. Losing the fat in the belly, which is what happens when you lose weight so quickly, makes it easier for him to get him around during surgery and makes surgery go more quickly.

I forgot to fax in my presurgery papers this week, so I'll have to get that done on Monday.

Cheers (as glasses cling, full of Carnation Instant Breakfast) to a successful weekend!

Day 4

2009-12-04T15:57:00.001-08:00

Crabby as hell...oh, and a might bit hungry, too.

Day 3 - Pre-op Liquid Diet

2009-12-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

Man, I was sitting on my couch, staring at my arm, wondering how it would taste :) when the phone suddenly rang! It was my doctor's office calling just to check in to see how the liquid diet is going. Good thing they called and gave me the pep talk when they did, otherwise, I think I'd be missing an arm and unable to type to update my blog!

Today was a tough day, but I'm happy to say, I did not give in. The one thing I did have that I wasn't necessarily supposed to was a Diet Mt. Dew. It's not so bad now, but carbonated beverages are definitely out of the picture after surgery, as the carbonation can increase the size of the pouch, defeating the purpose. I still have not given in to any solid foods. If I can get through tomorrow, it sounds like it will get a little easier.

Today, I got a little more creative and added some garlic salt to my chicken broth. I tried beef broth, too, but it just tasted too real and reminded me of raw meat. Grossed me out.

I also had my pre-op physical this morning. Yeah! The LAST of my appointments before surgery! Everything looks great and I'm set for the big day, which is one week from today. The nurse who called me today said the excitement and anxiousness around the surgery will start replacing my thoughts of hunger soon. I'm sure it will. Today was the first time I had thoughts about whether I was doing the right thing, but it was just a brief, passing thought.

Day 2 - Pre-op liquid diet

2009-12-02T14:50:00.000-08:00

OK, this kind of sucks! It's pretty sad when I look forward to getting home so I can have my Centrum chewable vitamin so I can actually CHEW something!

Seriously, I'm doing okay with it so far. It's definitely a mind game. Even though I may be full from the breakfast drink, coffee, water or crystal light, my head still says it's time to eat. This afternoon I was doing dishes and thought about food the whole time as I scraped food off the plates! How nasty is that!

Well, two days nearly done and 15 to go until my next bite of solid foods. Well..."solids" is a misnomer, because it's just mushy foods like cream of wheat, yogurt or creamy soups for the first week following a week of liquids after surgery. Either way, cream of wheat is going to taste like a steak by the time I actually get to have it!

Day 1 - Pre-op liquid diet

2009-12-01T18:14:00.000-08:00

It seemed like it was so far away until I had to start the liquid diet, and suddenly, it's here...TEN DAYS OF NO SOLID FOODS! Actually, it's 10 days before surgery and seven days after surgery, so my next bite of real food will be December 17th!

In all honesty, I have had the stomach flu or food poisoning for the last two days, so today wasn't all that tough. I had six carnation instant breakfast drinks with skim milk. I had mixed it and taken it in a thermos, so it was pretty easy. I'm sure I will hate any form of chocolate milk or malts by the time I get to day ten and surgery!

I also had several bottles of Propel and then tonight had some chicken broth. We had a late night getting home from dance and wrestling, so it was around 7pm and the kids wanted to go through McDonalds. We did, and boy, did that smell good! I've heard days three and four are the toughest, so I'll just cross my fingers and do my best!

No solids today! Yeah!

Surgery Date is Set!

2009-11-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I met with Dr. Thomas Jones today, and the surgery is set. Thursday, December 10th at 2:30pm! It's sort of overwhelming to go from waiting and waiting and waiting...since May, when I first started considering this...to actually having a firm date set. It's only 24 days away!

I was so very impressed with Dr. Jones, too. The first thing he told me is that the band is not magic. It's just a piece of rubber...nothing more, nothing less! He puts it in and that's all there is to it. The REAL work happens "here" as he pointed to his head. He said this is all about resolving what is in your head and heart. That is the toughest part of this journey. I thought that was pretty great to hear from a surgeon.

He also went on to answer any and all questions I had. He spent over an hour with me just talking, getting to know me, to know what I want, to hear about my two precious little boys who died and how that impacted my life and weight. Wow! Pretty impressive approach for a surgeon.

I had to sign a contract with him and he said he takes it very seriously and really made me feel like it was more than just signing my name to a piece of paper. He talked through each item on it and emphasized why each item was important.

So, let the countdown begin! First, it is 14 days until I have to start the "Carnation Instant Breakfast nightmare", which is what I have deemed the 10-day pre-surgery diet. For ten days, nothing but Carnation Instant Breakfast and skim milk 5-6 times a day. This is done because it shrinks the liver making it easier for the surgeon to get in and do the job.

I asked Dr. Jones if it really made that big of a difference for surgery, and he said that for the "super morbidly obese" (yeah, I'm only "morbidly obese"...so much better...NOT!) it can make a HUGE difference in the size of the liver. For others with not quite as much weight to lose, it becomes more about the mental change that occurs, rather than the physical. Most people don't think they can do a 10-day liquid diet, but when they actually do get through it, he said, they are proud and surprised and feel good about going above and beyond what they thought they could do. It's a springboard to the surgery and the weeks and months to come.

Getting psyched

2009-11-15T12:28:00.001-08:00

I've spent much of this weekend reading everything I can on the surgery, the diet and everything related. I actually purchased a few different Crystal Lite flavors to start trying, as it sounds those are good for you after surgery. I am not particularly fond of plain water, so hoping to find something else that tastes better, but has no sugar.

I've set up my blog spot here to keep track, and I've also joined a few online groups.

I was going to start eating better today, but that went by the wayside pretty quickly. I'm almost waiting to be told to go on the 10 day liquid diet. At that point, the transformation will begin. They refer to this period as "the last supper" attitude, and it totally makes sense. You think you are going to be forever forbidden from the foods you love, so get 'em in now! Bad thinking, but that's the kind of false thinking that got me to where I am today.

It's very powerful and encouraging to read success stories of others who have gone through the lap-band procedure. I kind of keep my blinders on to those stories that weren't a success, and there are some, I know. For now, I will keep focused on the positive stories and find the determination and will to succeed down this path.

Finally approved!

2009-11-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

I received word this week that my insurance has approved my lap-band surgery! It's been a long time coming, as I've gone through many appointments, assignments and adjustments! I meet with the surgeon for the first time on Monday, 11/16, which is when I should get a surgery date! I am hoping for a mid-December surgery, as I have already met my deductible for the year, meaning the surgery would not cost me anything.

Some things on my mind are the 10 day liquid diet prior to surgery, along with the liquid diet for three weeks following surgery. It will be interesting, to say the least! Some of the other major changes will be not having any alcohol for a year (I love beer), eating three small meals a day with no snacks, not having liquids with any meals (would just flush the food through the stomach without feeling full) and having to chew all food to the consistency of applesauce prior to swallowing. While these will be big challenges to adapt to, I'm in the frame of mind now where getting healthy will be worth going through every difficulty I face along the way.

2nd round of appointments

2009-09-19T10:35:00.001-07:00

I had my second battery of appointments this week. I saw the exercise physiologist, the doctor (not surgeon, yet), dietitian and the psychologist. All of my lab results were great. I was pleasantly surprised that my hemoglobin was 13.9!! I've struggled with anemia for many years, but going on birth control last year really helped with the heavy periods. It's been a dramatic turn-around.

At the appointment with the exercise physiologist, we discussed various aches and pains and how they interfere with my life right now. Mainly, it is weight-induced joint pain in my knees, and of course, my right lower leg from the accident. I did okay walking the six lap track and was at a 2.8mph pace, which was comfortable from an exertion point, but not from a "pain in the legs" point. It's been three days since that appointment and the swelling in my lower right leg is worse than it has been in over a month.

With the dietitian, it became obviously clear that with my crazy schedule, a big part of my problem is not having time to put together healthy meals. My goal for the next month is to make two meals on the weekend and freeze them, reducing the number of fast-food stops the kids and I make on the way home. It's kind of exciting, actually. Katie (my 6-yr old) also could stand some healthier eating habits, so I think a change like this would be great for the whole family. Another great suggestion she had was for me to use skim milk as my "filler", when I'm hungry between meals. It actually has a lot of protein and a quick thing for me to do, so I really like the idea. I plan to get 1/2 gallon of milk and put it in the fridge at work to make it really easy.

I think the appointment with the psychologist was the hardest for me. I talked about how my weight at the time my second son died is such a sticking point for me. I was 209 when he died, and I have gotten down near that weight a couple of times, and then a fear of "losing another connection to my son" kicks in, and I eat like there is no tomorrow. I hope that if I go ahead with the surgery, that the clinic has the support I need when I get to that weight. What is different now, is that I had an "ah ha" moment and wondered why I can't be closer or at the weight I was when my first son, Matthew, died. That was 152, and is less than my goal weight, which I think would be around 168. All I know is that when I get to that 209 weight and below for the first time, I will be shedding a lot of tears...good and bad.

My MMPI results were also all within normal range. I do struggle with depression at times, and this was the only item that she was a little concerned about and said that I really have to be aware of. After surgery, when women lose a lot of weight, their hormones tend to go a little crazy and an increased risk of depression is often seen. Just being aware of that and knowing I may have to increase my medication is a great thing to be aware of. Other than that, no one really had any concerns. The doctor who discussed my lab results with me, Dr. Wida, actually wished me good luck with surgery. That took me off guard a little, given no one has said I'm approved or anything, yet.

After all of those appointments, I had my 3rd phone consultation with a Health Partners dietitian. HP requires 5 pre-surgery phone consultations and 4 post-surgery. The topics vary from emotional eating to physical exercise and realistic expectations before and after surgery. I have two more visits with her and a follow-up with the dietician at Park Nicollet in one month. I think at that point, they will then submit all the pre-authorization work to Health Partners to get approval for surgery.

My BMI is around 42. With this surgery, the requirements are either a BMI greater than 40 with no health problems, or a BMI between 35-40 with other health issues, like high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Thankfully, I'M JUST FAT!! :)

Today, I went shopping with my 14 year-old son and was actually getting a little excited about the thought of being able to one day go shopping at "normal" stores and buy cute clothes. We were at the outlet malls in Albertville, MN, and went to buy him a few shirts at Aeropostale. There were some really cute hoodies that I would love to wear someday. There's also a Maurice's at the mall. I used to love that store when I was younger, but I think they only go to about a size 14...far cry from the 22-24 I currently am.

As each day passes, the opportunity to have the surgery seems more likely and the best option for me. I actually am going to pass up a promotion offer this week at work, because of the additional stress and hours that will be required. I want to be able to devote all of me to the surgery and the lifestyle changes it requires. I also want to be able to have more time with my family, which the new position would not allow. I'm a very driven person, always seeking to excel and perform well. This decision feels good, however. I'm excited to finally take time to take care of me, something I've honestly sucked at all my life.

To do it or not? That is the question

2009-09-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've been considering weight loss surgery now since this past spring. Originally, I thought I wanted to go with the gastric bypass. However, after an informational session at Park Nicollet, it was obvious that the risks and drastic lifelong changes and issues were not worth it for me. Instead, I became interested in the Lap Band process, a much less invasive surgery. It doesn't require cutting of the stomach or re-routing of the stomach and/or intestines. It also has many fewer long-term risks. While the weight loss is much slower than with other surgical options, that is okay with me. I am willing to do what it takes to make this a success. If it comes off more slowly, that is okay.

Since the informational session, I've received a referral from my primary physician, who supports my decision for the surgery. He has seen me gain and lose weight several times through the years. I am actually a very good candidate, because I don't have the health issues often accompanying obesity such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Overall, I am healthy, just FAT!! I don't share this with many...actually, anyone, until now. My BMI is around 42, which is "morbidly obese". How awful does that sound!? Morbidly obese? It makes me face the truth that my weight, while not causing major health issues now, will take years off my life if I don't get it under control.

Right now, the main issues I have are with my legs and knees. Since my car accident four months ago, and after nearly losing my leg to compartment syndrome, I'm unable to go walking or exercising without a great deal of pain. I hope that taking off some weight will give me that initial boost to get exercising again. I love working out and the feel of the pain from pushing hard. It's a "good" pain. You know it's making you healthier and is for the better. I actually miss this. I hope, if I do go ahead with the surgery, it allows me to have less pain in my legs so I can enjoy exercising.

I go back and forth as to whether the surgery is the right thing for me. Am I taking the "easy" way out? Am I just too lazy to go exercise and lack any kind of will power to eat healthy? Good questions.

Back to the doctor's visits. I have gotten the referral from my doctor, and have been admitted to the program at Park Nicollet. I met with a nurse for an hour, and then one of the doctors. From their, I had to take the MMPI (MN Multiphasic Personality Inventory) to make sure I'm mentally ready for such a change. It consists of a set of 567 true/false questions. It took about an hour and a half.

I also had to have lab work done...NINE tubes of blood. GEEZ! The lab tech was very nice and skilled, so it wasn't all that bad. It just seemed like a lot of blood.

As part of my insurance company's requirements to obtain approval for surgery, I also have started a 10 session phone consultation process with them. I have five meetings before surgery and five after. I have had two so far, with my third scheduled for tomorrow. They just want to make sure you realize the band is a "tool" and not a magic solution. I totally get that, but it's good to go through this program.

This week my assignment was to read about "emotional eating". For those who know me...dah, right??!!! For those who don't, well, I've had some major events in my life in which my method of comfort was food. In 1994, when I was 27 and living an awesome life...great husband, 3 year-old daughter and new baby boy, our lives came to a crashing halt. One day, my first week back to work after having our little boy, Matthew, I got a call that devastated us. Our little boy had died suddenly in his sleep while at daycare. He was just 10 weeks old...73 days. At that time, I weighed 152 lbs. Not skinny, but only about 15 lbs above my highest high school weight.

We were pregnant just three months later, and experienced every emotion possible. We were happy, scared, sad, happy and everything else at once. I assumed that since I had not gained enough weight with my pregnancy with Matthew, that had been part of the problem. Actually, I did everything just the opposite with my next pregnancy, and weighed 190 lbs when I delivered Connor.

I never really lost the weight from that pregnancy. Three years later, we were pregnant again. Life had begun to turn around and we were healing. Then, at 6 months into the pregnancy, we were told our son would be born with half a heart. We were again devastated. We chose to go ahead with the delivery and a three-staged heart surgery process. Ben, our little boy, went through three open-heart surgeries and about 10 hospital stays his first year. From there, he thrived and was doing great. He turned two years-old March, 2000, and was doing wonderful. Suddenly, at the end of April 2000, Ben died suddenly. No words can describe that pain. Once again, we were forced to plan a funeral for our child and watch as he was laid to rest next to his "big" brother Matthew, at the cemetery.

Food, while never a conscious part of my day, obviously became a release for me. We went to support groups, and I went back to school and got my Masters' Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an emphasis on grief counseling. By the time I was done. I weighed nearly 235 lbs. I've since been blessed with two more wonderful children and a few more pounds. I've lost 35lbs, as recently as two years ago, but have gained it back and then some.

Now, as I write all of this, it makes me lean toward doing the surgery. We'll see.